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2021.12.09 08:00 beepboopting My big brother killed himself

PS. its a long and probably messy post, and you should be prepared for some bad grammar.
It happend over 3 years ago, when i was 18 and he was 22 and i dont know if ive gotten over it, i feel numb 24/7 and have no one to truly talk about it with.
Some backstory; my family has always had some action going on, especially beacuse my mom and my entire siblings flock got ADHD. Been involed with child protective services since i was 4, got moved from mom to dad. My mom couldnt take care of us "got accused of being pil addict and more"
My dad worked 1 month on and off on a boat, but had to do extra beacuse me and 2 of my siblings lived alongside his wife (who couldnt work) and her 2 children. So a total of 5 kids and 2 adults. He was short fused, and could get physical and verbal beacuse of the stress.
We did not get along with the "wife side" wich would often lead to arguing and fights. It was a very volitale home that ended with wife kids moving out to foster homes. That made her hate us, and she just turned stone cold.
So all in all we grew up inn a home where dad worked 70% of the time, and close to never did any bonding, and a step mom that hated us (would not wake us up for school, make any kind of breakfeast or dinner, deny wierdly exclusively me going out to friends, or even just talk to us, etc). This all got worse when they got their own kid.
Also being a volitile ADHD kid myself i struggled alot with the friends department, especially since the city i lived inn had about 5k people, so all the kids knew about eachother. It was a rumor hell hole. I have 1 proper friend from that city, but he is not doing to hot either atm, trying to get him to move.
This and much more, has given me kinda major trust and commitment issues. I have friends, and dont really struggle with being social when i want to be, though im a introvert, but i cut people out like nothing, and go months without talking to friends. Ive tried to change this, but i hate almost anything phone related in general. And kinda get "bored" of most if i spend to much time with them.
So my brother killed himself in 2018 and i just kinda shut down to everyone, i still havent gotten over it, legit physically hurts to this day. Went home to my dad for the funeral, then went back to the school after less than 3 weeks (lived at the school) or so, not being over it, but just to get away from that disgusting home. (dad and wife is ok now, but to many memories) My brother was truly my one and only idol, and i still try to be like him, even though im soon older than he got to be.
I have so much botteld up, but theres no one i want to truly talk with. I feel like the only "sane" one in my family. My 2 older siblings are bipolar with depression, we get along great, but we handle basically everything bad with dark humor. And considering that they struggle mentally and with ADHD far more than me, its more my role to be the one with the solutions. (exampel; im the only one that went practically med free, and instead learned how to tackle the ADHD and shity sleep) My oldest younger sibling is 14, so cant talk with them either, and probably wont. I talk with my parents once every month or less. My mom is just getting worse mentally and physically by the day. And i dont really have any kind of meaningfull connection with my dad.
After the funeral i finished school, and went into apprenticeship hiding myself behind work. Im a fishfarmer, good pay with alot of oppertunities for over time (worked 400 hours overtime my first 6 months). But it can be extremly exhasting, especially since its out on the sea with shit weather. I lived with my grandparents (they're the glue of the family) and just gamed when i was home, as i struggled being social with even them.
I just went 2 years of almost total isolation, rarely talking to anyone outside work hours. I did truly enjoy those i worked with the last 6 months, we got along greatly. But i took a gamble and moved to another city really far away from anyone i knew. I had recently gotten to know some new people, and they are now my best friends, a nice cluster of misfits that i love.
I went less than a year trying diffrent drugs just venting out, getting to know my new friends and chilling to the max, and i feel like that truly helped. I never use/used drugs as an escape but just legit fun, im not in love with any drugs and take it with months appart. General discipline is something i value higly especially since it a core part of controlling my ADHD without meds. Also my current work has suprise piss tests, and im not taking any chances.
But i still cant truly open up to them. They're just not "me", they have problems as well, not making it a competition but im the one with the shitiest childhood. "atleast i bottle it the most upp" They have done drugs far longer than me, and thats kinda the answer for some of them, really roughly speaking.
I also struggle opening up beacuse i dislike sympathy. To put it simple. I like to live more simple, i rarely buy new stuff, but when i do i want it to be proper or im not buying at all. Im picky, and that includes people. I do love my friends, but they're not quite at the top, no one is. Same romanticly, ive had plenty of oppertunities to be with someone, but i just dont want that. Im not asking for a dream girl, but it has to be someone i truly like/click with.
What can i do? My brother called me the night he did it, inviting me to dinner, that i had to reject. (he lived close to my school) And i dont have anyone to vent the pure utter fucking regret im feeling, all i get is the "same" sympathy, or the good old "there was nothing you could do". It just dosnt help, i have to live with that choice for the rest of my life, theres nothing to do but move on. But it just hurts so badly.
I dont make much of myself, trying to help those i can inn any way i can, ive burned myself on some people taking heavy advantage of it, but meh, leasson learned, cut them off and moved on.
Belive it or not i dont do it to be liked, i dont feel much of anything when i help someone. I just do it beacuse why not i guess. But also because my brother would do the same, wierdly enough, even some of my friends looked upp to him I have a ok economy, time when im on free, few bills, and even less goals. Ive just kinda exsited, and thats how i like it, truly. The past is inn the past, i dont have any grudges towards those who have wronged me, including my parents. But i just cant click with them either, never have, so how tf do i do it at age 22?
I do know that expecting someone that truly understands, or that really click with is a big ask, especially since im introverted and still work a bit to much.
Just writing this post wierdly kinda helped, but theres more, and this entire post is a result of a sleepless night. I like the saying: the state of your mental health is not your faulth, but its your responsibility.
Last thing: fuck ADHD, it has good sides but alot more bad. I struggle with general learning, making it really hard to find or get into something new. I dont want gaming to be my exclusive hobby, especially since its getting boring. I can be spontaneous at bad times, hyper at worse. God damn overthinking everything i do. Really over - sensetive/emotional, tho i rarely show it, wich i think plays a big part in basicly this whole post. Its exhausting, my social battery is just drained before i even meet people, always "holding back".
Started using meds agian to see how it helps, used it when i was 18, but stopped after 1 year when i didnt have use for it. It helps, especially in learning stocks and similar stuff. But is it really worth those sleepless nights and foodless day? Retorical question.
Thank you for letting me vent, and i again apologize for bad grammar and messy vent. Also kinda paronoid someone i know will see this, so will prob delte this post after a time. Im really bad at not going into details.
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2021.12.09 08:00 mellowboosh Jamplay Coupon Code

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2021.12.09 08:00 AutoModerator [Therapeutic Thursday]

What has happened in the last week that you need to get off your chest? Someone in particular cut you off Tuesday? Upset about the parking lot/ property tax situation? LET IT OUT MAN! CAPS LOCK ON!!!!!
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